Perhaps, it was the 72 hour marathon of no sleep, the pain in having to sit up, or the utter frustration over breast feeding, but I distinctly remember confessing this to my mom: “I liked my life better before.” It was a difficult time for me, but I have never lost the guilt of having said that. I think it likely goes without saying, but my life wouldn’t be complete without that little Chickadee who caused so much havoc when she first came into this world. My greatest fear in life is losing either Joelle or Chris. I can’t decide which would be worse.

Four years later, I find myself nostalgic about how our life is now. I’m getting very sentimental and emotional about the “three of us.” Once the new baby is here, it’ll never be the three of us again. These strange feelings of nostalgia sneak up on me at very peculiar times in my life. One might think that I’m just not good with change, but that isn’t it. I had absolutely zero remorse or sadness when I left Chris and I’s first apartment or our first house. No sad feelings at all. I don’t even recall being sad about leaving college. I do remember being torn up for weeks about my dad selling a white van that we used to take family trips on. (The funny part about that story is that the person who bought it ended up being a plumber who worked on my best friend’s house for weeks on their new bathroom. So, I got to visit with the van a few extra weeks.) I also recall being upset over my brother leaving his apartment on Routh street! Why?!

So, I find myself unable to exactly pinpoint why I’m feeling so emotional about losing life the way it is now. I hesitated to write this post because I do feel guilty over having said that awful thing after Joelle was born (what will people think of me?), but I know that once I meet the new baby all these feelings will evaporate because my feelings of frustration and unhappiness after Joelle was born did melt away. This is my way of telling myself it’ll all be ok.

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